The following scene is a parody of BTS’s 2019 SBS Gayo Daejun skit, featuring comedic innuendo and misinterpretation. In the real skit, an impoverished little girl is whisked away by Jungkook on the eve of Christmas. They journey to a candy store, gift shop, and clothing boutique, all hosted by a duo of BTS members, who sing and dance away their merry shenanigans as heralds of the Christmas spirit, giving the young girl a taste of wonder, and all the gifts the holidays bring — if only in dream form. In my reinterpretation, however, something quite different transpires.

On the eve of Christmas, a young girl, no more than eight or nine years of age, warms cold fingertips against a lifeless fireplace, rubbing her small palms together, siphoning any bit of warmth to embattle the chill seeping through the cracks of her little, wooden cabin. In a fit of “ah-ha!” the young girl snatches up a cherry-red stocking, hangs it up near the mantle of the fireplace, and kneels down before it. She intertwines her fingers and prays that Santa might bring warmth to their home, and maybe a few presents too. Then she sets off for bed, snuggling down beneath the covers and floating off on the wings of a dream.

That dream, is a twenty-two-year-old, fully grown man with black hair and golden highlights, falling from the sky in Santa’s glittery chariot. The man breaks into the little girl’s home as she sleeps, sneaks into her bedroom with a package in tow, sticks his package in her stocking, and wakes up the little girl with his seductive song. He then lures the little girl from her bed with his outstretched hand, and leads her out of the home, in essence, a fully grown man kidnapping an eight-year old girl from her home to take, goodness knows where.

They traipse off down the snow bluffs, the girl blissfully unawares of the intentions of the muscular man towering over her, soothed instead by the sweet, beguiling smile plastered across his rosy lips. At the end of the snowscape, he forces the little girl’s palms over her eyes, blinding her, so she has no way of knowing what it is the man will do to her next. He wraps his arms around her shoulders and forces her onwards. They approach a rustic candy shop, with all of Willy Wonka’s modern fixings — neon green shelves filled to the bursting with jars of sweets, cookies, cakes and the like. Sweet, sweet temptations abound! Before they reach the display, the man wheels her around by the shoulders and forces her onto her knees, still blinded by her own palms. Helpless, she kneels there, as the man moves behind her … before running off, and leaving the little girl alone, in a strange and perilous landscape, beholden to the whims and wills of eight Oompa Loompa goons guarding the gate to the candy shop. The men, clutching their gigantic, girthy candy canes, lurch towards the little girl, holding their sticks before them, all falling into line behind her, to wait their respective turns. They part the way for another man — the kingpin of the candy shop — to approach the little, helpless girl, holding his own quite wide and lengthy stick before him, with the sweetest of sly smiles curving his plump lips. The duo, Taehyung and Suga, dance to “Jingle Bell Rock,” the former even stooping down at one point to allow the little girl to take hold of his stick and play with it as they dance. And as the boys’ sticks deflate to the ground, so that they may wave salutations to the little girl and her original kidnapper, he lures her onwards with a neon-swirled lollipop, nearly the size of her tiny, prepubescent fist.

They frolic off down the snow-streaked path, shimmering with ice-lit peaks and icicles, twinkling as they quiver in the wind. And where do they go, but a grand gift shop, from which two cheerful, grown men appear (RM and Jimin), carrying their packages in hand. They, along with a handful of royal purple-clad bellboys, circle around the little girl, something like overenthusiastic sharks around prey, holding their oversized packages in front of them. One of the men, in the end, gives the little girl his package, for her to play with. And along lurks from the shadows, the original kidnapper, who snatches up the offending package from the girl’s arms and holds it out in front of the her, a carrot in front of a mule’s nose, to lure her to the next scene of dubious intent. There, the final bit of shenanigans and debauchery ensues, at a holiday clothing shop.

It’s here, within a picturesque, gold-gilded showroom with two-story tiers of rotary ballgown merry-go-rounds and rack upon rack of dreamland’s fluffiest, pinkest, most fit-for-a-princess garbs, that things get a bit messy. From out of the shadows pop two merry, black-clad men, Jin and J-hope, wishing the little girl and all those voyeurs watching, a “Feliz Navidad.” In the meanwhile, a gaggle of grown men in tailors’ suits circle the small girl, dragging roaming hands across her body in an attempt at measuring her size to be fitted for a gown. And then, as the camera conveniently pans not to the little girl, but to the two bigwigs of the clothing shop, dancing away without a care, the men huddle about the little girl for a few seconds, before parting ways. And what do they part from, but the little girl clad in a clandestine, glittering white ballgown, with a golden sash draped about her midsection and tiny white heels strapped onto her feet. Those eight grown men had, in the space of a few seconds, undressed and re-dressed the nine-year-old girl, in front of an audience of several thousand roaming eyes and a camera, behind which millions more hid. The girl continues on, unperturbed by the goings-on, lulled into an ecstatic trance by the wonders of such a beautiful gown, and such happy song. It’s not long before the Santa-imposter and his kidnapped ward part ways with the owners of the exhibitionistic little girl’s dress shop, and the girl is herded back to her home. Halfway there, among the frigid snow-bluffs, whipping wind, and haunting darkness, the man runs off into shadow, leaving the girl to trudge through the daunting landscape in search of her home, alone. On a depressing note, the broadcast cuts to commercial.

Whether or not the show intended for scenes so rife with innuendo and dubious motivation, is not my place to judge. But at the end of the day, we all just watched a man, impersonating Santa, kidnap a young child, bring her to a gang of men waving their sticks about, then a gaggle of men offering her a turn with their packages, and finally a bunch of exhibitionists undressing her behind the guise of fitting her for a gown, all the while luring her along with candy.

To all those whose minds live in the gutter like mine, and to all those who thought it just a precious, cheerful skit, I wish you a happy holidays! You nice, keep going!

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